Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Opening up my heart {guilt}

Something is always pulling at my heart and I don't know why this is such a struggle for me.  I'm getting really open with all of you with this post, so be prepared.  If you don't want to hear everything Mary is thinking then you might want to just stop reading now.  However I have fully decided to share with you everything and in the end there is so much rejoicing!!

Okay, for the rest of you crazy people who like to know what I'm thinking and decided to keep reading (other than my hubby who has no choice). :P  I have always put guilt on myself based off of what I know and what I should be (doing).  I write myself a "to do" list to make myself feel better, but all it does it help my mind get organized.  Which is sort of a step to help me out.  If you know me at all I'm a list and follow a routine sort of gal.  I like to know what to expect and get shaken when things happen and my plans get changed.

I like to know what to expect, what can I say?

Obviously there are moments when the unexpected happen and usually those "things" don't bother me.  Because "those things" are expected...in a way.  I can just expect my hubby to not come home at the exact same time every night and not get overwhelmed with his dinner getting cold.  I can just expect that I'll be five minutes late to everything if my pregnancy hormones decide to act up and I can't get ready as fast as I used to, and not let that get in the way of feeling guilty for it.  (Remember...it's that issue I have.  I feel guilty.)  If I know pregnancy causes me to take more time to do every possible thing, why can't I plan ahead for that?  Because you seriously can't.  And I just have to accept that.

We moved into this wonderful three-bedroom apartment early June and yet STILL have boxes to go through and organize and put things away.  Do I feel guilty?  Oh yeah!  I thought by now it would be easier since my morning sickness has died down big time.  But no such luck.  Do I have the ability to do anything about it?  No.  And yet, I feel guilty.  As of now we have my organized pile of things on the living room floor of things that need put away.  I emptied a basket of clothes that I had at my parent's house in a dresser for when Jon and I would stay there for the weekend.  (One-bedroom apartments just don't have as much space to put all that stuff.)  The piles are still waiting to get put away.  (One of them being clothes I might be able to fit into once I'm pass this pregnant stage.  One can hope, right?)

Wasn't kidding when I said even our living room needs help now.

However I can be excited that the other day I did accomplish a few things from what needed done to organize our apartment.  Our bookshelf looks nice.

Decorating the top can always come later.  Bottom shelf is for kid books. :)

I went through our papers in the living room and they are in organized stacks out of the way (mostly things for the hospital and info we need for the upcoming weeks).

But no matter what....I can't get EVERYTHING I would like done.  I wanted all this "stuff" done before Friday.  I don't see it happening!  Jon had to work 10 hours on Saturday and 5 hours on Sunday so that definitely put things on hold for us.  I can't keep up with the kitchen.  (If you use all your energy cleaning the kitchen you never get anything else done and vise versa.  Heck, I was excited today I accomplished a shower without gag coughing!)

"The Nursery" Doesn't it look ready for a baby?

Our guest bed, filled with things I still need to work on (filing cabinet)

Guests come on over!  We have a room for you! ;P

So yeah, I feel guilty.  Why can't I just suck it up and do it and feel winded and nauseous in the process?  Who cares, at least it will get accomplished, right?  Wrong.  I have a human being growing inside me.  I can't bend over hardly ever.  I have to continue to rest.  This is what Mommy's do right?  Rest?  Eek!  Guilty!  That guilt feeling returns....however will I seriously feel better once this baby arrives?  No. I won't get anything else accomplished but cuddling and feeding a newborn with the lack of sleep and all.  Oh gosh!  The guilty feeling will continue for ever.....

However I don't want this little one growing up with a Mommy who feels guilty all the time.  I don't want this little one to have the same issues I do.  So how do I work on this?

The sermon on Sunday gave me a HUGE relief.  I felt like I could breath again. (And I will add here I'm so happy we found a church where we leave with applications from the sermons!  It's such a relief to find a good Bible-preaching church!)  But anyways, during the end of the service, I looked over and my husband was asking for a Kleenex.  He had tears in his eyes.  We both got something COMPLETELY different out of the sermon on Sunday, but we both got something that relieved us from legalism.  Hallelujah!

The passage was about the Sabbath day and keeping it holy (Matthew 12:1-21).   However Pastor Randy focused on GRACE not GUILT when it comes to keeping up with that commandment.  He really focused on being careful of the danger of man-made religion.  Wow, was that SO helpful!  He also mentioned the four signs of legalism:
1. Legalism demands conformity to an extra-biblical standard (adding Scripture).
2. Legalism reduces the true meaning of Scripture (check out Hosea 6:6)
3. Legalism values possessions more than people.
-Here he stated a story from when they first got their new building.  He made signs to tell people not to bring food or drink/coffee into the place of Worship, because he stated, "Honestly I was afraid of the spills!" (As he was mentioning this I was eating apple slices.)  Then he said one morning he saw a newcomer see the sign and burning his throat drinking up his coffee so he could come in to worship.  That's when he realized...Where do you draw the line?  We already are putting laws down for newcomers on what we accept for Christians in our place of worship.  He quickly took all the signs down and encouraged people to come in with or without their food and drink!  He said his love for people should be more than any other "thing."
4. Legalism condemns those who do not conform to standards.

I was so encouraged by this!  A "perfect parent" isn't one who has it all together...or even their house (or apartment) all together.

Embrace the TRUTH of the Gospel (grace)!!!
What are the four signs of gospel-centered Christianity? (four signs of GRACE):
1. Gospel puts human need above man-made rules.
2. Gospel recognizes Jesus' authority to interpret the law.
3. Gospel says it is right to do good especially on the Sabbath
(I am not submissive to my boss, but to my God.)
4. Gospel reveals God's amazing love for people.
Isaiah 42:1-4

The Servant of the Lord

42 “Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
    my chosen one in whom I delight; 
I will put my Spirit on him,
    and he will bring justice to the nations. 
He will not shout or cry out, 
    or raise his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break, 
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. 
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; 
    he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
    In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

What a relief!  I can throw that "to do" list out the door and not feel guilty.  I can love God, my husband, family, and friends without feeling guilty I have not lived up to a standard.  By GRACE I have been saved!! :)  And so have you!  And tears in my hubby's eyes he could tell you that too! :)

Didn't keep my breakfast down this morning (8.22.12)
so I'm pretty excited I got the dirty dishes accomplished today!

1 comment:

  1. this is awesome, thanks so much for sharing Mary! love Katie