Thursday, October 30, 2014

Daughter Moments

When my daughter grows up I want her to feel like her parent's loved her equally.  I hope she doesn't remember that time I became angry because I was too tired.  Or that time I was so sick she thought I was ignoring her.  Or that time I gave her a banana and she cried because she wanted a banana.  (Yeah, you read that last part correctly.)

life is rough

Recently I've noticed my daughter's STRONG need to do everything her way.  And her Mom to follow along.  The typical toddler stage in life.  (This mom is tired.)  There have been too many tears and fits.

Daddy's in the shower.
Apparently that's not okay.

So this mom has started a new strategy.  When that sweet toddler lets all her feelings out uncontrollably I am staying calm.  I pick her up and swing her around.  I sit her in my lap.  I cuddle her...

And in the sweetest voice I hear a soft voice say, "I love you Mommy."

It melts this Momma's heart.  In one moment the attitude went from quite the fit to cuddles, giggles, and words of affirmation.

Here are some posts and articles that encourage me these days.

This one encouraged my post today:

I LOVE this one.

**My post was posted before my husband was able to proof read or give his two cents.

Sunday, October 19, 2014


Thank you God for bringing me where I am today.  I would have never asked to be in this position but I'm so encouraged by your Truth.  Lately I've been doubting.  After I miscarried the only thing that kept me moving on was knowing You had a plan.  You are faithful.  You were faithful in my past and would be faithful in my future.  Then suddenly October hit.

The weather became wet.  I don't like that.  I stay inside cuddled in blankets, watching Elmo (thanks two-year old), and drinking soda to take off the headache.  I'm forced to warm up in sweatpants and sweaters and be around people.  It's good though.  It's healing.

some mornings I just want to boycott life

Father, I'm blessed by You.  Because as hard as October has been for me emotionally, I feel your presence.  On my knees, or laying on my pillow, drenched in tears, finding security in You alone.  Those who don't know You or can't find comfort in You I deeply fear for their struggles we all face in this life.  I could do NOTHING without You, Father.

October has been like a crashing wave.  As I hide behind the curtains (it's cold out there), I find my loneliness growing.  But it's not loneliness like one might think.  You see, I have a husband who desires communication, a daughter who WANTS everything, and church family along my side every step of the way.  I'm no longer in need of people to take away this void I feel.  

I want my babies.  My lost babies.

And no please, please don't tell me I need help with grieving.  Believe me.  I got that part down.  And please, please don't tell me I need help moving on.  Or what to do next.  I know what I'm doing next.

What I need is to know my body won't fail when we try again.

I need to know after weeks of sickness I won't lose another baby.

I won't have to give birth again without a baby to snuggle.

I fear I'll go the whole pregnancy just fine and lose it in the end.

I fear I'll never know what it would be like to have a son.

I fear if we have a daughter my husband won't get to teach a son how to live.

{We honestly don't care what gender we're blessed with next.}

I mourn my babies, but I also mourn the future.

I mourn forgotten heartbeats.

I mourn mommies who fear motherhood.

I mourn the months I lost and won't ever get back.

I mourn the stretchmarks each pregnancy gave me.  Each bath reminds me.  I only have one baby with me.

I mourn what could have been....

...and what never will be.

As I sat in church today I cried tears of surrender.

I had nothing left to give.  Nothing to offer.

Nothing I could do or say to Him that would be of worth.

I just gave up myself.

And the tears poured like a waterfall.

that's what I did in church.
or at least what I looked like in my head.
{thank google images}

As soon as I let go.  He had room to come in.

And my family will never be the same for it.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Ellie {24 months}

Sorry followers I've slowed down on blog posts.  Not intentionally, we just didn't have wifi at our house for awhile to save money, especially while we were getting the bathroom remodeling done.  You probably want a post all about that new bathroom, which I'll get on it as soon as I finish up what needs done first.

Like updates on Ellie. :)

The last time I wrote in detail about what she was up to was 16 months old, oops.  Since then there's been a few updates but nothing too detailed to look back on.

Obviously a lot has changed since then!!

*She uses walking, dancing, and running as her main source of mobility.  (Faster if she knows she's doing something naughty.)

*She talks nonstop and knows a LOT of words.  One day she started using a word that we didn't know she knew what it meant.  She's a lot smarter than we think!  Now we know she knows what we mean when we want her to obey.  That little stinker....

"Ellie, are you being a stinker?"

"Yeah, I be a stinker!"

*She's full on toddler.  She eats what she wants when she wants it (with restrictions obviously).  But if she wants to eat as much as Daddy she will, if she wants to be picky and not eat anything that's what she does!  Her new favorite phrase is "I WANT!"  and she screams it as loud as she can.  Oh, and the food on your plate is SO MUCH BETTER than what is on hers...even though it's the exact same thing.

*Her favorite songs are: Jesus Loves Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and ABCs

*Her favorite TV show is Sesame Street.  So of course her second birthday was Sesame Street themed.  We let her watch it on weekdays every morning, because it gives me time to get my day going and lets Daddy leave without her complaint.  She knows every character on the show and calls them by name.  And to deal with Mommy guilt she has learned a lot from the show!  She has learned most of her alphabet and numbers!  And it starts the day off with a happier girl.  win-win!

*Every Wednesday morning she goes to Kindermusik here in Ames and LOVES it.  Some days are better than others but since it's a class for 18mo-3 year olds what else do you expect?  It has taught her to follow directions, listen to rhythm, she has a lot of the music memorized already, and it gets us out of the house.  As the weather gets colder it will be a good excuse for this homebody to be forced to get out.

Ellie's favorites....

-Food: ice cream, anything that can be dipped, broccoli (even raw!), fruit, lasagna, pizza (last night before bed she asked for it!), yogurt, shredded cheese (if I give her cheese sticks I break it up to look shredded so she will eat it), cheeseburgers, anything on Daddy's plate, cheese quesadillas, and chicken.

-Games/Activities: Dominoes, puzzles, peek-a-boo, hide and seek (but doesn't understand it yet), coloring, reading books, building towers, taking care of her baby dolls, singing, dancing, "watch" movies and cuddling, bubbles, play kitchen, helping Daddy outside, putting things in a container and taking it back out and back in again....

-Words/Phrases: "I want!", "Oh thank you!", "I love you", "You a nice helper", "oh yess!", "watch Elmo...", "Up pleassse!" "Oh hi Mommy, how you doing?/how are you?"

-"Playing with kids." we say that when we go to church to prepare her for getting dropped off at the nursery.  Over the summer she hit the stage of crying when we dropped her off.  Now that we attend ONE church and not searching it's been helpful.  Her life is more stable now.  Plus she really likes going now and gets excited about it.  It really blesses Jon and I to have a nondistracting moment in our week at church.  We really appreciate the workers who give up their Sunday mornings to bless us and other families.  I use to do that and I know the time and energy it takes. :)

Ellie's dislikes:

-Getting her hair washed.  She's better at bath time but doesn't understand leaning her head back.  Oh sweet baby.

-Having to wait for things if she wants things NOW.  (Oh my gosh!  She's a toddler you guys!  Imagine that!)

-If When Daddy leaves.  Even if it's just to go outside and she can't be with him.

-Lowes outings.  The best we can do is each parent has a cart.  one cart for purchases and one for Ellie and her toys and activities to try to keep her happy.  Oh and lots of snacks.

Ellie's typical daily schedue:

Wakes up around 8/8:30 (oh thank you Jesus for later morning wake up!  And that the 6am wake up was only a phase!)

Daddy gets up with her and feeds her breakfast. He turns on IPTV and walks out the door.

I come out and gets my own breakfast and cuddle with Ellie while watching Sesame Street.
Depending on the day it's just free time.
-Wednesday mornings are different (Daddy helps get Ellie dressed & ready to go.)  Leave house by 9:30am for Kindermusik.  Afterwards we run errands and return home in time for lunch.
Otherwise I try to get some laundry going and cleaning.  And in the mean time end up reading books, building towers or unloading the dishwasher.

Got her these PJs for her birthday

Lunch usually depends on when she's hungry again which is usually 11/11:30.
It's a simple meal and usually something she can have at her new little kid table in the living room.  You know toddlers. ;)  However some times she won't eat so I sit her up at our dining room table to help her focus on getting food in her.  I never force her to eat, unless I know she's hungry then I'll try a few bites.  After awhile lunch is just done otherwise it gets too close to nap time.

Nap is around 12:30/1, sometimes later on those unusual days.  Fresh diaper, sometimes a couple board books, or just straight to singing her three favorite songs, and then she leans over to crib.

How long does she nap?  She either goes short (50 mins-1.5 hours) or LONG (3-4 hours).  If she wakes up happily talking I have 15-20 mins to rush around and pick things up, take a quick shower, or switch laundry over.  Sometimes she falls back asleep on those short nap days, or it's just better to give her that time alone. :)  The first things she says when I walk in (and it MELTS my heart), "Well hi Mommy!  How are you?"

Once she's up and running around she usually wants a snack and if she doesn't ask for one I just give it anyways.  Because when I make dinner she's MAD by then if she's hungry.  Her snacks are usually crackers or fruit.  Something I can just set out and let her munch on whenever she's interested.

Late afternoon/evening I prep dinner and hope Ellie stays happy.  I try to get her busy with something she hasn't done for awhile or put on some music.

Dinner at 6pm.  Before her bedtime we try to have family time.  Ellie's bed time is usually around 8, sometimes closer to 9 depending on her nap and what we're up to.

Bed routine takes a little longer (especially with Daddy). :)  But in a sweet way.  She just has Daddy wrapped around her precious little fingers and curls. :)  We give her something to drink, read a couple books, and sing those songs again all in the peaceful surroundings of her dark bedroom.  And when I lay her down I tuck her in with a blanket and pray with her.

Those songs we sing to put her down.....

ABCs (she knows most of them)
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (has it memorized and will sing with us)
Jesus Loves Me (I posted a video of her singing this on Facebook.  She smiles and sings it so well every night and before nap.)

*She sings those songs randomly throughout the day, and especially in the car if she's tired! :)

Well if you are still with me you got through our typical day!  Thanks for reading and being interested in Ellie's updates!  We are so thankful for her.  She brings so much JOY into our family.  I know I say it a lot but God knew what He was doing.  It's so true.  She is a little bit of both of us but with a stronger personality! :)  After two miscarriages I can now say without a doubt she was a blessing and God's gift to us.  While we were undeserving, God blessed us with this little life.  It's been a blessing to see her grow.

Now, if you have any tips of how to parent a strong-willed child just let us know! :)

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Take that, Pinterest!

Ellie turned two last weekend and we threw her a Sesame Street birthday party.  We invited family and some friends that live in our town.  When searching on Pinterest I found some cute, time consuming ideas for a birthday party and thought those people are crazy.  When your daughter is turning a young age she won't remember anything.  So what am I trying to prove to people when I throw a party for her?  I want it to look Pinterest-worthy of course!  So, go ahead and pin these great ideas!  I'm pretty sure we spent more time cleaning our house then planning the party.

I think that's the best way to do it.  But here is what we did.

Here's the cake.  It was so difficult.  I had to go to Hy-Vee three days before the party and tell them "Sesame Street themed, pastel colors (I don't like blue teeth), have it say Happy Birthday Ellie, and she's turning two."  Then the day of the party Jon had to go pick it up.  The nerve.

Then we had to decorate our table and Ellie's seating.  My mom has some Target washable table cloths with fun bright colors that match Sesame Street characters.  Boom.

That birthday sign I bought our first year of marriage for Jon's birthday.  Each letter matched the colors of the tablecloth.  Yep, pretend it was planned.  Those flowers I bought the night before the party.  I love a good excuse to buy fresh flowers!  The clear vase I bought at Stuff, Etc in Ankeny for 50 cents.  Red vases from Hobby Lobby a few years ago.  I called them Elmo vases. ;)  After picture was taken we tied a Sesame Street balloon to Ellie's chair.

We added our card table to the end of dinning room table to add more seating.  I love it how our house is so open and spacious in that way, but doesn't look too big when it's just our little family.

My parents got Ellie this little table and chairs for her birthday and they brought it already put together so it could be used right away!  I put down cheap, thin wrapping paper on it for fun.  I got the roll for 30 cents at Target on clearance, so of course I got three rolls.  It's too thin for good wrapping paper but I thought it would be fun for large paper coloring activities.  On the table I put a cup with crayons in it.  (Side note that cup is from my Grandma who passed away a few years ago.)  Sesame Street activity book from Target $1 section on the table for the kids to be entertained. :)  That's as Sesame Steet themed as it's going to get. :)

We set up another card table in the living room with another fun table cloth.  I put some older kid activity books on it as well with some crayons.  (Notice no markers.  I didn't want any kids to get any ideas without adults aware.)  My mom added a fun touch to the corners with her Pinterest-worthy bows.


In the living room I had a basket collection of all our Sesame Street books and toys.  A couple of the books are from the library.  Score.  Other books I got at Overflow for cheap (10 random books for $1).  Toys given to us for free from a friend.  Tickle me Elmo I got when I was young.  The little Elmo at Target for $5 months ago.

And then comes the eye-sore.  This piece of wood is hollow.  It use to have box of plants in it but we thought wasted space.  We took plants out and now waiting for our new countertop to come in.  Until then my mom helped us make this look better.  Today it still looks like that until the end of this month when counter comes in.  It's nice not to have a hole there.  We used this at the party for plates, silverware, and placing plates with cake on it. :)  Oh, and more of those corner bows.  The party was hoppin'!  Take that Pinterest! :)

The view from the kitchen.  To the left is where we put the cake and drinks.  If you look close you can see Sesame Street temp tattoos.  My mom picked them up from Nobbies along with Elmo, Cookie Monster & Big Bird plates and napkins.

We served appetizers and this is the only picture I have to show for it.  Oops.  I taped a Happy Birthday sign to a toothpick and stuck it in an apple. :)  It was red so boo-yah Elmo! :)  We served apples with homemade caramel dip, summer sausage, three kind of cheeses, and crackers tray, veggie tray, and put Goldfish crackers in a fish bowl. :)  Our drinks included leftover from Jon's birthday party a couple weeks ago of juice boxes and water bottles.

The party started at 3pm and I woke Ellie up after sleeping two hours.  The kids were playing in the kitchen and laughing.  We went in to find Ellie had gotten into her cake. ;)  So different from last year!!

funny girl <3
She gave us a two-year old hand print.

Half cake was chocolate, half vanilla
Once all our guests arrived we sang Happy Birthday!

Think what you want, but I think she's gorgeous.  And blew out her candle perfectly.  We even got it on video camera!  Thanks Daddy for having it ready in time and Uncle John for capturing it! :)

Next pictures of our guests......

our friend Megan and her daughter
(so bummed we didnt get one of Mike!) :(
Ellie's friend from our Connection Group
and the daughter's parents!
We love our Connection Group! :)

Opening presents....

My grandma, Ellie's cousin, and Jon's Mom
Happy Birthday girl!
Ellie got new movies!

My facial expression when I realize I threw off a Pinterest-worthy party!  Take that Pinterest!
Me & Jon's sister
Brother in law & Ellie's cousin Aviah

I was expecting all the cousins to "help" Ellie open gifts and completely surround her with overwhelming help.  However we didn't see any of that.  Perhaps two-year old gifts for girls are not as cool? :)

Ellie's cousins help put together her new gift
Ellie's oldest cousins from both sides hanging out
My dad & brother in law together.....

My mom capturing the first time I held Lily.
I love babies!
My dad's Mom
aka Grandma
My sister and her hubby, John
We like Johns in this family.
Cousins :)
"Ellie your party was exhausting!"
Friends coloring

While waiting for dinner Jon took the older kids outside for a game of Ultimate Frisbee while the adults kept the younger kids inside.  They played in the street.(Don't worry Liz, we kept Greyson inside!) :)

We ordered Pizza Pit for dinner.  I picked up 2L soda the night before.  I figured the adults could use some goodness at the end of the day. :)

Loving that table
Thank you everyone for coming to Ellie's birthday party to celebrate her!  We are so thankful the family made the drive and our Ames friends took the time out of their weekend.  Ellie has been a blessing to our family (if you know anything about our family story).  She is a joy and her excitement about life really makes day-to-life more fulfilling.  God knew what He was doing when He placed her in our lives.  She's learning new words daily and is the smartest, stubbornest two-year old I know. ;)

Next blog post will have to be all about her as a two year old!!
The end of our Pinterest-worthy, Sesame Street, two-year old birthday party!!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

This is Me, That is You

I want this post to be read in the right mind set.  So keep this thought in mind while reading,

"I changed my desires based off the wrong idea."

I had my hubby read this before posting.  Hope it comes out the way it was meant to be.
So here goes....


Growing up I dreamed about my Prince Charming and what he would be like.  I knew in the back of my mind no one is perfect, but I looked forward to sharing my life with someone else.

In my head my desires made sense, because he would have desires of his own.  I prayed for a man I could be myself without holding back, someone who had similar interests as me, and desire family values.  As I grew older I feared what he would think of me in my worse state (low sleep, puking, and no make up).  I would go no where without fully "ready."  My confidence level was at a three, and that only drew more attention to my short-comings as a possible mate.  I desired a man who was like my dad--vacuum the cobwebs and under couches, open my car door, pay for my meal, and dance with me at wedding receptions (just to name a few).

Then reality hit.  But reality is different than my expectations.

I married my Prince Charming.

He accepts me at my worse. (Believe me it's gross.)

We work together on family values.  I can be myself around him (poor guy).

He doesn't vacuum like my dad.
He doesn't open my door.
He doesn't like to dance with me.

We think differently on some important issues.  We speak and give love differently (love languages). {Never thought I would meet a man who would rather have a conversation than a kiss!}

But I don't question his love and acceptance.

As marriage continued I started to notice things I desired in my husband that changed once I married him.  The more I focused on "guiding" him in showing me love in these new actions, the more frustrated I became.  And the more distant he became.  If you looked at my new "list" you would agree it's not crazy to desire them.  Meaning it's not too "out there."  However it's nothing without Jon desiring it himself.  And my forcing wasn't helping.

And I came to this realization.  Those things I'm desiring can be given through Jesus.  So why take all my energy, hurt, my marriage, crush my husband's spirit by forcing something on him when Jesus already has offered that need?  His burden is light.  And mine was getting too heavy to handle.

In time Jon may or may not give me those few extra new desires.  Not that he is withholding them on purpose.  However my expectations don't come naturally to him.  But forcing it won't encourage him.  I'm not his Holy Spirit, nor do I even want to try!  I love him where he is....

Feeds Ellie breakfast so I have a few moments alone in the morning.
Working 40+ hours a week
Desires a healthy budget, we have no debt (except mortgage)
Similar values in Ellie's growth and learning
Listens to me at MY worse, sleepy moments (he can tell in the dark if we need "to talk")
Willing to watch chick flicks and relax with me
Helps with house projects
Takes care of my car
Carries me to bed when passing out during miscarriage labor
Helps motivate me to be a do-er during the day when I get discouraged
Gets off the couch if I ask for help
He keeps me up to date on his life and where he is
He doesn't mind leftovers for dinner.  Three nights in a row.

And the perspective becomes what he offers our family versus my new desires and expectations.  Those new expectations become unrealistic.  I didn't marry that man,

I married this one!! :)

In the meantime, I can pray, walk with my Lord.  Learn to desire what He does. (And laugh at my sweet hubby who allows me to be, well, ME!  And I too shall let him be, well, HIM!)

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

I can't change him.  I can only change myself.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Motivated Cleaning

If you remember my post about my issues with my Type A and Type B personalities it helps explain this post.  I organize my cleaning and organizing to keep me focused, motivated, and gets things done.  It helps me feel better when unplanned visits happen (knowing I did my deep cleaning on x -day).

Here's my weekly schedule on a "usually this happens" kind of week. :)  If it doesn't get done I don't get beat up by it.  I just move on.

Most Mondays to motivate my start of the week I sort laundry, dust the house, and pick one area to focus on "deeper cleaner."  During nap I throw in two loads of laundry and treat myself to a snack. :)

Tuesdays is catch up day.  (See, guilt free motivation!)  Sometimes Monday doesn't go well.  This is a day to not get discouraged.  I usually do more laundry and organize something.  I also sweep and wash the floors where it's needed (which usually is around the area where Ellie eats and in the kitchen and entryways).  And with Wednesdays being errands day I might have all that ready to go for the next morning. :)

Wednesdays are errands day!  Starting in September Ellie will start Kindermusik in the mornings.  I'll probably run to the grocery store, return home for lunch and give Ellie her nap.  During nap I'll clean kitchen.  Sometimes meal planning, clean fridge, microwave, counters, dishes, table and/or floors.  I usually pick two to really focus on. :)

On Thursday it's not official but I usually check the calendar and plan the weekend, rest of month or whatever is needed.  I'm a huge planner and list maker.  Can you tell yet? :)  Next, I do what I need to do to make those plans happen (weekend birthday, traveling, laundry and packing, prepare for guests, etc).  I also try to vacuum this day.

Fridays are usually prep for the weekend: packing, picking up house, collect garbage, wipe down bathroom surfaces, etc.

The weekends for the most part this summer has been swamped with traveling, so house projects have been delayed.  When Jon's at work I try to use my time wisely for stuff that can get done in the meantime.  For example: fill empty new entertainment center, organize bathroom and linen closet as bathroom got accomplished, etc.
*since I wrote this post I got a couple closets reorganized and went through a ton of papers.  Papers never end!!

On days that are "catch ups" I have my list of things to do weekly or every other week:
--vacuum and hand wash floors
--bathroom cleaning: shower, toilet, sink, vanity, floors (pick one each week)
--Ellie's room: clothes, toys, etc
--Kitchen: microwave cart, floors, random stuff on table, chairs, dishes, etc.
--Laundry: bedding, towels, blankets
--Jon mows

Seasonal/ 4 months
--Clothes: closets and drawers
--Basement *a huge project still needing attention

--> Every time we buy two new shirts pick two to give away.  (Ellie the exception of course.)

Obviously I fail at this "rough" list.  But knowing my "catch up" days are always there I try to just focus on what I can do with the time I have.  Daily if I get meals on the table and bathroom vanity wiped clean--it's a good day.  (And a shower is a bonus.)  :)  I do my best and try to not give myself a hard time.  Sometimes stuff comes up--sometimes Ellie just has a crabby day and want to smash goldfish on my clean floor or she just wants to read books and cuddle.  I adjust. :)

Main Focus:
-Don't get frustrated if you fail a day, keep going, tomorrow is a new day.
-When Ellie is twenty will she remember a messy, but playful house or spot clean house and uptight Mom?

If my focus and perspective is right it shows.  Literally. :)

Whatever it is that you do in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, thanking God the Father through him.

Whatever you do, do from the heart, as for the Lord and not for others,

Colossians 3:17, 23

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

1 Corinthians 10:31

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Life is beautiful [5 pics]

There's a nominating sharing thing on Facebook going on....sharing five pictures  that make you feel beautiful.  I was afraid to be first.  Because....

It's hard for me to bring focus on myself--awkward really.  I'm not use to being the center of attention and never know what to "do" with it.  I'm not a confident individual, nor do I pull it off trying.

Whenever I sing "happy birthday" to someone I don't intentionally look at them.  It's such an awkward lengthy song.  Someone who can jazz it up a bit will help me laugh off the awkward attention and blow out candles!

When I search pictures where I feel beautiful, I started to notice it was because of what was going on in my life that "represents" that beauty shining though.  I felt beauty in what my life was in that moment.  It felt unconditional.

1. This childhood picture is me as a one-year old.  It's youthfulness reminds me  of childhood.  Simple, tree climbing kind of days, filled with sunshine, bike riding, and going home when the street lights turned on.

2. Of course I felt beautiful on my wedding day! :)  There was so many to pick from, but this one just stuck out.  Jon still looks at me like this...he's gentle and totally focused and listening.  Our wedding day went so fast (too fast) but the best day of my life.  Nothing like having all your family and friends surrounding you to celebrate!! :)

3. Adventureland, summer 2013.  Our little family of four (Alex still in my tummy).  I look totally happy in this picture because I'm really good at hiding things.  That was the weekend I had the idea we were miscarrying again.  And yet, my family looks "put together."  I remember crying that day that I lost another one.  I felt so mad I wanted to ride all those rides to try to move on.  Instead I had a moment of sitting in shallow water with Ellie asleep on my chest, talking with my husband and a dear family friend.  It helped to have less time to myself to dwell on "laboring" again.  Moving on that day was eating constantly (I was still dealing with some nausea), watching Ellie experience everything, and realizing who reaches out to hormonal pregnant women like me.

4. On my wedding day ~ seeing my Grandma.  I'm so thankful she lived long enough to see me say "I do" to Jon.  She passed a short six months later.  That moment will never leave my memory.  I miss her deeply.  Her love shines through Ellie.  My daughter's love for music, stubbornness, wants to help, desires to cuddle and read books, and ability to just hang out at home....that was so Grandma Evelyn.  :)  Hopefully she is keeping busy with my two babies talking to them all about their Momma and their grandparents.

5. Jon and I kiss....sorry all.  But seriously we ARE married. ;)

When I was three I knew I wanted to be a wife and a stay at home mom.  Knowing Jon supported me in my family values helped seal the deal (among other things of course).  Every day I have the JOY and the blessing to wake up doing my dream job.

Some things to remind my future self of this stage in life:
weaning, mastitis, lots of ketchup, locking herself in bathroom, emptying wipe containers, IPTV, Elmo, running, books, blocks, uh-ohs, Dad-dy, Mom-ma, staw-berries, emptying drawer of DVD's, throwing stuff in the garbage can, dancing, twirling, laundry, meal planning on a budget, lots of laughs, made-up games, she hates baths, sensitive, goldfish, climbing, slides, ice cream, sippy cups, diarrhea, bananas, toast, coloring, walks, bubbles....

...and I wouldn't change a thing!  (okay maybe the diarrhea) ;)

Life is beautiful!! <3

Friday, June 27, 2014

Nursing Ellie: Weaning with a purpose

I've always wondered what weaning Ellie was going to look like.  What age?  Would it be because of her or because of me?  Would she cry a lot?  Would she tell me when she was ready?  What will this look like?

this looks means "I should be laying on my tummy in my crib!"

Back in May I wrote a post about nursing Ellie.  A few things have changed since then, but not a whole lot.  You see, I had a plan A on what weaning her was possibly going to look like.  Then I had to go with Plan B.  Not because of her or me, but because we lost our babies.  I had put some thoughts together when we were expecting.  I had thought to help Ellie adjust to "sharing" Mommy I would nurse her small amounts during day if she needed and once before bed.  I would slowly get rid of those feedings and have Jon put her to bed to have some bonding.  Our first two would have been less than 14 months apart.  Then when we lost that baby we got pregnant again and the next age difference was going to be around 18 months.  I figured Ellie would possibly not be interested in newborn milk and prefer the big girl milk.  So that would also help the weaning process.  I was expecting almost anything because I didn't know what she would think when it came to sharing attention or just that special bonding nursing gives.

Ellie 20 months

But when that wasn't going to happen I had to go to plan B.  Weaning my first born but still nursing a newborn was going to be easier on my milk supply.  However Ellie only nursing right NOW for comfort and the routine.  She is so much like me when it comes to routine.  (So at least I understand her having to process this all.)  The issues I'm having are: I wanted her to tell me when she was ready but she doesn't seem like she's going to come out and say "Hey Mom I'm done with nursing."  She is still saying Momma nigh-nigh (which means bed time and nursing time).  However she is not emptying me completely on one side.  Which could cause some discomfort (and it has), but these past few weeks makes me really ponder weaning her sooner rather than later.  Because of this lack of being emptied, I have gotten mastitis twice.

Ellie 20 months

Mastitis is not something I want to have a third time.  It brings on a lot discomfort (like close to labor pains but in different location), fatigue, nausea, body aches, fever, and little sleep.  As soon as I get this mastitis taken care of I'm going to start weaning Ellie.  It's weird to think of the moment she's completely done with nursing, but it has plenty of health benefits.  Here's to hoping she adjusts well.