Thursday, May 18, 2017

When Brokenness becomes Reality

Ever since Easter I feel like I've been processing a LOT. Who am I as a Mom? A Christian? A wife? A friend? 2013-2014 was a huge shift in my marriage and adult life in general. (From Sept 2012-Sept 2013 I was pregnant 3 times.) I'm hoping and looking forward to life to slow down, meaning it's not so overwhelming "sucking my brain all the time" stage of life with little ones.

This past year has been hard adjusting from one to two kids, especially with our first born's high needs and our newborn rarely let me set him down (and didn't like baby carriers). 🙄
He's finally just now using objects to stand at 14 months old. He took so many months wanting me he never got better at strengthening his mobility.  His new found freedom has showed him how exciting life can be when it's about sneaking off to get cords, eat food off the floor, or open cabinets!

My favorite moments with him is hearing his giggle or laugh. He can be so happy and filled with joy. It reminds Jon and I what Ellie use to be like. Just simple things were fun. Now, she overwhelms us with her tantrums, need to control every situation, and doesnt like us to say she can't do something. She has also hit the million questions a day stage. Preschool can't come soon enough. We're hoping going every afternoon will help give her an outlet since she's so extroverted.

We obviously love our kids to pieces, but just like any other parent we look forward to when they're both in bed so we can just BE. We can hear ourselves think. We can have a complete conversation. We look forward to them dressing themselves (Ellie is near this but we still have to keep her focused), feeding themselves, bathing themselves, and understanding boundaries. Even though my love language is touch, does not mean I appreciate them needing me All. Day. Long.

I can't get ready alone.
Don't they know toys are not in here?

Weekends are filled with spending time together as a family, deciding what plans to say yes or no to, and remembering this is just a stage.  In three years we will have a 4 year old and 8 year old. That sounds dreamy!

"Try not to wish these early years away" is like the most confusing advice ever. It's not that I wish it away, I just picture the person not remembering what it is truly like to be in this stage of little kids and babies. All they see is baby faces and cute feet. That's why you rarely see me post perfect pictures on social media. I'm all about showing reality. I share the sweet moments, but don't clean up the house or brush my daughter's hair before I take the picture. I don't try to edit the pictures to make them look amazing. The only times I edit them is if I want to zoom them in or had poor lighting.

Our weekends opened up even more now, because we stopped attending a church. *Gasp* I know. Who would of thought? There's a list of many reasons why, and you might remember my post from October 2015? But we didn't want to settle on a church anymore. I wasn't gaining my mom community I desired and NEEDED. Except I was gaining the opposite. If anything I was wanting to step away from the mom's there. I didn't feel loved, accepted. It was my only place I felt I had to defend myself as a Mom. Why is that? I don't know. My husband and I couldn't even attend a church service together, unless we sat on a couch in front of a TV. That's when I realized I could do that in my own home. So why not, put kids to bed and watch sermons online?

Community you ask? Well, I know sitting on my couch listening to a church service in my home isn't the same as attending a church, but how is it any different than what I was doing Sunday morning? Instead now I don't mess up my baby's naptime needs, and I have a much happier baby. It's what I need right now for survival come Monday morning. Feel free to disagree with my decision and my husband's backing up this decision, because I'm not going to share everything that brought us to this point. If you were in our position you would probably do the same thing.  I'm not comfortable dropping off my baby to cry all morning when I could easily receive same teaching at home. Yes, I'm missing out on community but I was already missing that so what's the difference?

Our next step has been to continue doing church at our home and not visit a bunch of churches. (What good is that for our kids?) Ellie is old enough to be confused, and Jayden wouldn't want dropped off somewhere different all the time. So this option fits the best for us. (If we had no kids we would visit churches like any other church searching adults would do.) Once we find the best fit for us, we will transition Jayden in the nursery and Ellie will adjust just fine. (On walks she wants us to let her go home with anyone who is walking their dog. So the unknown doesn't worry her, but visiting a bunch is confusing.). But until we find the right fit for us, we got our hands full!