[Note: I was not in writing mode when I wrote this. However it was something I needed to share.]
In a deep conversation my husband and I were having, I was pretty upset with him. Now, I love my husband. I would do anything for him and try my hardest to do things how he likes them to be done. I want to help, support, respect, and show love in any way I can. But this topic messed with my mind, and to this day I am still battling with God with how to retrain my mind. Through my husband, God spoke to me words that I want to say are not true--but because my husband believes that it is true, it is a fact.
I have a problem. I am sinful.
My husband made a comment that I can still hear in my ears every day and every night as I drift off to sleep.
"You're not a very joyful person."
WHAT? Mary? Not joyful? Are you kidding me???
God, what does this mean? I have energy for others, I love life, and think "glass half full" thoughts. When people tell me three things about me one of them is always my outgoing spirit or endless energy.
I replied to Jon with questions of, "I don't know what you mean by this?" and "Usually people tell me the opposite."
What he meant was this:
When things are not planned, when trials come my way, when I am neither happy nor sad about something....my husband can tell. I allow my emotions to get in the way.
I am not living out:
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,
Jon gave me examples. "I feel like you think you have to be perfect at everything you do. If it doesn't turn out the way you had hoped, you let your feelings take over. Just be confident in yourself and smile."
Smile? Honey, you want me to smile when things don't go right?
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
Sigh. So no matter what, I need to give praise to God and be joyful always! In my life, I must be trusting in Jon and not in God. I'm trusting that if Jon is happy with how things are going, then things must be okay. BUT what I should be thinking is, "If God is delighting in what He sees in me, Jon will see a happy, joyful wife."
That is easier said then done. And all you singles out there might be thinking, "Yeah yeah, sounds not that tough." But let me tell you it is! When you are trying your hardest to serve your husband and it doesn't go right, you just wanted to do something nice for him! WHAM! Or you know what means a lot to him and you try and try and it still won't work out right. WHAM! I'm thankful for a wonderful, uplifting husband who reminds me that my acts of service doesn't show how much I love him as much as the thought of doing it.
Oh yeah, and that smile. :)