I was raised by a strict purity culture, and my father is a narcissistic sex addict

 

I would like to imagine life without hidden secrets or agendas.  If my desires could be brought to life my childhood would have been completely different.  

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Until recently, I had never heard of the term "purity culture."  When I learned more about it, everything began to come clear to me.  The harsh feelings of betrayal stood out in my life countless times upon investing in space to process all the areas purity culture has entered into my way of thinking.  Purity culture is gender expectations based on a strict stereotype.  Men are expected to be strong, "masculine" leaders of the household, church, and society.  Women are expected to support them -- to be pretty, "feminine," sweet, supportive wives and mothers.  Before I go on into more detail, I can't help but notice things from that stereotype that has definite red flags.  Never once did it mention men are to be fathers, but it surely intended on making clear to state about women becoming supportive wives and mothers.  It never included how men are as husbands, besides saying strong leaders.  That leads to quite a bit of personal interpretations.  (Might I add, definitely more open for the men to add their own interpretation?)  The focus is very MEN LEAD and WOMEN SUPPORT and be sweet and pretty while doing it.  The weight for men is just to be a strong leader.  They get to decide what that looks like.  Meanwhile women are told to be sweet and pretty and in the background.  

Which leads me to the other part of the purity culture.  No sex thoughts, feelings or actions before marriage.  It is taught that men's thoughts and actions are said to be pure or impure.  Meanwhile women themselves are said to be either pure or impure.  Purity culture teaches that women are responsible for the sexual thoughts, feelings, and choices men make so they must dress, walk, talk in just the right way so as not to "inspire" sexual thoughts, feelings, and actions in the males.  For example, you have probably heard the saying of "stumbling block."  I was raised with these tight strict belief systems that it was ALWAYS on the females to keep males from acting or thinking impure thoughts. In the same years I was being told how to talk, dress, and even present myself, and the males in my life were learning NOTHING on how to be a decent man with integrity and dignity when confronting topics of sex and purity.  The weight was always on the female.  I was being taught how to measure the length of my clothes and how much to cover up to draw less attention to myself.  My insecurities fall back to the times I was told I was "too much" for someone else, or I looked like I was trying to gain someone's attention.  

The worst critic of my purity and self confidence was my Father.  He had no problems looking elsewhere for his impure mind to run wild.  I remember so many times how uncomfortable I was to be around him in the presence of a female.  I remember he would force purity conversations to check in on me to make sure I was the most virgin person in his life.  He would congratulate me thinking I had been the most purest, sexless person in his family.  It was like I was his prized possession.  When I was fifteen he gloated how well we could dress up, play the part, go out to an expensive fancy restaurant all because of my purity.  At the table we ate appetizers, a big steak, and I remember holding back so much from him.  He drilled me with questions.  He wanted to know how pure I had been and would continue to be.  What impressive ways I would say or do to make sure I would fully invest in how important purity truly is for myself.  He held my purity ring in his hand as if he had the power to either offer it to me or refuse if I said one word he disliked.  What was the ONE thing that led him to say okay?  "I won't date in high school."  He led me to believe that was a GOOD thing.  The right thing.  It made me feel unlovable and took my innocence before my own virginity.  I felt betrayed over time.  It was slow and gradual but every time I feel hurt by beliefs in regards to purity I'm brought back to that night.  The night my father told me I was pure and acceptable if I refused to be with anyone until I was an adult, and how proud and boastful he was about it.

Why does that specific night stand out to me so much?  It leads me to what I know now about who he truly is and what his life has always been about.  I wasn't just betrayed about my own innocence, but the betrayal was so much deeper than I could have ever imagined it could be.  My father is a narcissistic sex addict.   While growing up he was constantly driving himself places to fulfill his needs,  Back then it was videos from Blockbuster.  Today it is driving while watching it on his phone.  When I was younger he cheated multiple times.  I didn't know this was going on until I was already a mother.  One year my mother changed where I attended dance due to some "sexual" dancing and costumes.  We searched a bunch of places, but I didn't like any of them.  We settled for one, that I soon later regretted agreeing to.  My father refused to let me quit.  Now I know why.  In 2015 when he confessed to a bunch of his addiction scenarios, he brought up what HE DID during my dance class.  Now I know why he was always late picking me up.  It wasn't about me sticking through to the end of the season.  It was so he could get sexual pleasures without my mom even realizing it.  I don't even want to know the places he went to fulfill his desires and addiction.  Today I know he has been in contact with tons of females and willing to do anything to get what he wants.  He continues to mention how I should have compassion or empathy for him so he can see his grandkids again.  He literally puts the weight on me as if it is my fault he no longer sees them.  His constant apologies are like from a man who keeps saying the same phrase over and over again and has NO clue what it means.  He thinks it just sounds good.  But all I know is it is the cost of receiving a true consequence for his actions and lifestyle*. 

When people ask me what  I think of him, all I can say is anger and nothing.  In some moments I'm just angry about it all.  The ways he tries to manipulate me and the family.  The cost of his choices has led him to be in relationship with NO ONE.  He no longer has us to fall back on when his action on his addiction is over that day.  He returns to his empty home after "they" leave.  He chose a life of inconsistency and barbaric sexual gain.  He chose to be put in a position where he no longer has a wife or children to be with him in hard times.  Because damn he IS OUR hard time.  One of the last things he heard me say to him via text was how angry I was at him for the decisions he was making and what he was doing about it.  His response was expected.  He was upset at ME for being hurt by HIS choices.   You're never allowed to be upset or angry with him.  I remember how harsh he would speak to me.  He would always be so angry and upset.  It didn't end when I became an adult.  If I had any emotion in how I spoke to him he would physically abuse me and verbally corrupt my spirit.  I remember thinking when he squeezed my arm so tight that he was going to break my arm.  When he would slap me across the face I had done nothing to deserve it.  He was just angry at that moment.  My face was his punching bag for the life he couldn't control.  The other last thing he heard me say via  text to him was just upset back to him.  He tried to tell me to remember the good times from my childhood.  Little did he know I had just been watching the home videos and I literally had to stop.  I saw them in a new light.  There was something going on I had no idea about.  He was living a double life.  My childhood memories of him were ruined.  The man I thought he was wasn't ever with me.  He just knew how to give me small glimpses of hope and happiness.  It makes me rethink all those times I told him to stop doing something with me and he chuckled as if it was okay.  Now I know that he doesn't know anything about healthy boundaries, and I refuse to engage with him because of it.  I don't want my kids to have a childhood with their Grandpa and later find out the truth about him.

My Father's leadership of the household broke me.  Purity Culture taught me that my dad was the head of the household and I was supposed to just be okay with what he decided.  The woman's duty in purity culture is to be supportive of the male leader and be pretty while doing it.  This type of culture led to demanding, harsh, abusive parenting and leadership in the house I grew up in.  I don't want my kids growing up with a culture like that.  Their purity isn't what makes them special or worthy.  I want them to not only know that but to believe it.  Notice how my father allows the mindset of "men are leaders while women just listen and support"  to dictate how he speaks to me and my mother (and others but I can't speak for them).  

My father's sexual actions and conduct makes room for zero space in my life.  The Purity Culture teaches women are responsible for the thoughts, feelings, and choices of men.  Believe me.  There is not one thing you can change about EVERY SINGLE female on this earth that will lead my father to stop making advances towards them.  I refuse to stay put in the beliefs this culture raised me to believe.  It led me to a life of painful betrayal and lies.  It kept me from believing I had worth and beauty just as I am, not because of how I present myself to be.  My beauty didn't end when I lost my purity.  My continued strength to relearn to love myself and engage in conversations with those who were not raised with this belief culture has been beneficial and helpful moving forward.  I am not meant to just "be pretty,"  And women you are not either.  You are here to be MORE than just who people perceive you to be.  

Stay tuned for Part Two.  I will unpack the purity culture for women and how we are led to believe we are only here to support men and be pretty while doing it.

*His lifestyle is something that is ongoing.  We have a deep belief there are things he is acting on that we have no clue about.  I no longer have a need to look into it or drill him for it.  I know enough to keep him out of my life forever without remorse or uncertainty.