Journal Entry wrote 1.21.14 at 1:45am. Why does the time matter? Because it was my "I can't fall asleep until I write this down" kind of thoughts....
Approximately 9 weeks since Taylor's due date.
Approximately 8 weeks until Alex's due date.
My motherly arms are stretched so wide. As I hold on to Ellie's hands as she persists to hold them--and not let go--I don't blame her. Life is filled with fears and so many unknowns. If we let go there can be so much heartache.
As I watch my daughter's fear creep in I notice my own hesitation. I see so much of myself in her. She trusts me where she knows I won't let go--I'm her mother. But her greatest fear is letting go herself. She can't imagine life without holding on to the reigns to hold on to her comfort level. She'll continue on as long as you don't let go. The moment the comfort level is swayed, all certainty is gone. Her confidence disappears and all that is left is her fear (and sometimes tears).
But isn't that the same for me?
As soon as I don't feel comfortable anymore, my fear takes over and I demand control of the situation.
Just like Ellie allows those fears to rush in (keeping her from the opportunity to learn to walk), I too allow "things" to keep me from doing what I should be.
If I let go of my fear and allow myself not to stay comfortable-- I could learn "to walk." But instead I daily resort back to my level of comfort...taking a deep breath and enjoying the "peace." However we all know how short lived that peace truly is.
Peace as the result of not doing something you should be doing, its not peace but my deepest heart issue. COMFORT.
--I know my day-to-day routine. If it's changed unexpectedly I'm so flustered. I'm not "go with the flow" as much as I give off.
--I'm a night owl. I plan appointments for afternoon to allow my slow moving mornings to be comfortable.
--Enjoying sugary snacks during my daughter's nap time or after she's down for the night to receive quick-fix of comforting my stress.
--Stuffing hard stuff because it's too uncomfortable to share what I'm thinking (it might hurt you to hear it so I hold back).
--More comfortable to just turn on TV then open a Bible. *GASP*
--Hard to deal with unexpected life stuff (like sickness, miscarriage, or family matter) that effects my plans/routine.
Ellie will not walk on her own until she lets go or even learns to stand up without holding on to something. Right now she is comfortable. Too comfortable.
Time for us BOTH to learn to let go.
God's healing hands can pick me up and without a doubt and as many falls as it takes to learn to walk.
So much so in all areas of life.