Wednesday, September 11, 2013

God's Love

God has been stretching me this year beyond anything I could ever imagine.  I'm so stretched, my mind is aching, and I'm winded.  God has been teaching me what LOVE really looks like and what it truly means to love.

When I got married I learned a whole new way of loving.  I started to understand unconditional love, grace, and mercy a lot more than I did before the "I do's."  I think marriage is a gift from Above to show us and train us to be more like Him.

It breaks us, for what breaks His heart.  We start to learn what it truly means to "lay down your life" for someone else with nothing in return.

Then we got pregnant and had our sweet daughter.  Parenting is a whole different boat.  It's love beyond your arms can reach.  Love farther than you thought your heart could stretch.  Love that just goes on and on and on.  I would do anything for her.  And I know her Daddy would too.

However, I've still got so much to learn about love.

This 2013 year has given me even a further understanding of God's love, but in ways I would have never imagined.

unfortunately i had to learn through heartache.  we had the privilege to move closer to family and buy a house.  but in the midst of buying that house we were dealing with a miscarriage.   then we had a couple months of sorting through things and getting back to normal.  then two months after miscarrying, we got pregnant again!  this time around I didn't run around telling the whole world.  I just told those who could tell and a few others to help encourage us along the way.

then I started to feel this shift in the pregnancy.  It was like a repeat of Taylor's and how I miscarried.  I felt like we were loosing another baby.  It was just way too similar.

the more I processed it the more I saw God's love.  Even through the heartache I felt God's love.  His love is far beyond anything else.  I knew He loved me.  I couldn't question why it was happening to me.  I didn't have all the answers, but I knew and felt God's love.  It wasn't something I wanted to have to go through...all over again!  but I knew I wasn't alone.  many mothers have gone through similar stuff as me.  many have had to live the heartache of loosing babies.

this day at Adventureland was the first day,
the day I really began to wonder

Holding Ellie reminded me often in the hard times that I was a woman.  I was capable of carrying a healthy baby.  I was capable of being a mommy.  and that's where God's love is overflowing (plus her smile is enough to help you find joy in hardest of times).  I don't know why God gave her to us so easily and wonderfully, but she's here.  and we are truly grateful.  we love her to pieces.  she is a reminder to us that God's love is real and present.  God hasn't forsaken us.  His love is deeper and wider than we could ever understand.

Yesterday we had that appointment.  The one we were dying to go to, but when it came time I had a hard time walking.  In my deepest of deepest heart strings I knew.  I knew something was wrong with this baby.  our sweet baby we planned for, the sweet baby we were planning our 2014 around, the sweet baby due end of March.  I told Jon no way was he not going to be there.  He carried Ellie for me and we checked in.

(And i would like to believe Satan was trying to play tricks on me all morning: I felt extremely tired, slept later than planned, we went to Applebee's for lunch where the hostess was expecting her 2nd around the same time Taylor was due, and a couple ladies left holding a crying newborn.  Oh that sweet newborn cry.)

Then we went to get the much wanted ultrasound.  This time (unlike Taylor's) I got a little hop of joy in my heart.  This time there was a baby in the sac.  The gal was measuring me and Jon and I both knew.  The baby wasn't moving and we knew my lack of constant sickness met bad news.  So we went ahead and told her not to worry about keeping anything from us and make us wait for a doctor's perspective.  Please just tell us.

I'm measuring the baby at 8 weeks 4 days.  But I'm not seeing a heartbeat.  

Okay.  We knew.  We already felt this, and had our minds set on dealing with another miscarriage.  So that way if the baby was okay we would have a big surprise.  (Secretly I had prayed that if this baby wasn't going to make it in the long run that he/she would already not have a heart beat.  I would hate to go back in two weeks with thinking things were okay and then end up with issues.)  Because those of you who already know, it's easier to miscarry a baby earlier rather than later on.

When we met with the doctor we got a lot of questions answered and now we just wait.  Giving my body some time to try to take care of things without having to have surgery.  My body did so with Taylor, so I can only hope.  However the waiting is hard.  With Taylor I was already "spotting" and in that stage of the miscarriage so that made it easier (lack of better word).

Our sweet "Alex" was seen on the ultrasound and the look in my hubby's eyes was enough to make any one tear up.  This time around seeing an actual baby in the sac made it that much more real.  Today I would have been 12 weeks along.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry, Mary. I pray you will find comfort in knowing that God knows. He knows every detail of Alex's life and death; and He is acquainted with the grief you are feeling. May He fill your heart with peace and hope.