Friday, September 20, 2013

A Journal Entry

Note: details of the miscarriage are not necessary for this blog-world.  If you want to hear details let me know and I can email them to you or something.  However just know I ended up having to get an in office D&C.  I was awake for the whole thing.  Nothing I will ever forget.  (Just like you never forget the day your baby was born.)  It's a sign the pregnancy is over.  And when I sat in the chair knowing what had to be done, I just cried and my mom hugged me.  "I just want this to be over." I said, over and over again.  I haven't been able to physically move on yet (still taking medications, headaches, etc).  But enjoying play time with my sweet daughter in the mean time.  Crawling around with her and laughing today was quite joyful!


As I sat there, grieving, I pondered what just happened.  I had lost two babies before my firstborn's first birthday.  Why was God allowing me to get pregnant in the first place--especially since He let them be taken away?  Why was I on this journey during my daughter's first year of life?  I missed out on so much.  I didn't get a chance to be the Mom I know I can be.

I just became "that mom" in survival mode.  I dreaded day to day--and dreamed of the future.  Living in the present was too dreadful.  I tried to stay positive, smile, and hold back tears but it was hard.  And when the tears did come--they rolled down so fast they could have been invisible.

Holding back tears is not about pride.  It's about staying strong, keeping emotions out of the picture for my poor husband's peace of mind.  Tears are not a sign of weakness, but they come unexpectedly.  They were coming down heavily, but no signs of stopping.  The uncontrollable feeling I had was paired with defeat.  I had lost the ability to press on.  I had failed miserably.  Everything was crashing down in front of me.

     My capability as a Mother.
     My devotion to my husband.
     My support on owning a house.
     My servanthood to my Lord.

I was Nothing.
And as I fell into that deep pit of despair, I felt God's presence.
His holiness.
His grace.
His mercy.
For He had delivered me.
Whether it was the way I saw fit or not.  My God can not leave my side.

     He is capable of helping me be a Mother.
     He is devoted to my marriage.
     He has given us a roof over our heads.
     His presence is peaceful.

Just like He never forgot His Son, He won't forget that being a parent changes

And some day, some special day, I'll get to meet my Taylor.
And my Alex.

Because God is holding them close for me.

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