Loving Taylor

As I reflect on my last post about Mother's Day, I am humbled as a mother.

The Lord had already known our future.  He knew what was in store for us this week.  He knew what we were about to face head on.

We were expecting baby number two.  In process of buying a house.  Preparing for our family to grow, we were excited to meet our new baby.  We couldn't wait to see the sibling bond.  We couldn't wait to find out what we were having....a boy this time or a girl?

What we didn't know was God had other plans.

He wanted to stretch us.  To bring us to our knees (or in my case sitting on the bathroom floor).  Sitting there, staring at the toilet I was once leaning over praying for a break.  Praying to not be sick.

But now I'm not.  I'm not throwing up.  I'm sick with something else.

I ache to never been given a chance to have a relationship with a child I never met. I ache for other mothers who have had to deal with this-- time after time.  I ache for those who had to physically SEE their loss.  I cry for those who had to deliver them.  I cry because I understand loss.

I'm stronger for what He's doing in our lives.  I'm stronger because He is healing my body.  I'm stronger because He protected me of a nightmare.  I'm stronger because I am a mother.  I'm stronger because He is glorified.

I will never fully understand your loss.  I won't be able to relate.  But I do understand loosing something before you were ready to give it up.  I do understand the constant why questions.  I do know what it's like to be a mother.

We will never meet our Taylor here on earth.  We never got to see him/her on an ultrasound, hear the first cry, or the first smile.

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And some day before Ellie turns 8 months old, I'll post her 7 month growth post!