Thursday, October 24, 2013

Unfortunately, no belly

My sweet baby would be due in four short weeks.

And as I shopped for my sweet Ellie today, I happened to see the sales rack at baby GAP.  In the maternity section.  GRR.

During the day I have seen multiple pregnant women, sweet sleeping newborns, and a woman complaining of her pregnancy (due in eight weeks).  However, I would have been due in four weeks.  But I was not complaining.  In the "real world" no one could see that I had anything to complain about.  But every pregnant woman is asked, "How are you feeling" or "How much longer?"  But someone who has miscarried can't cry out, "HEY!  I would be due to have a baby soon!  I'm not big and feeling like a watermelon about to explode, but I do feel like my eyes will!"  And people are not coming up to me asking how I am doing.  People have no idea.  I have no belly to tell the world.  But I hide behind the racks.  I have nothing to tell the person complaining of her discomfort.  Yes, I've been there.  But I should be there RIGHT now.  But I'm not.

As my crazy mind kept looking at racks and racks of discounted clothes...I leaned over to those sweet newborn hats and onesies.  They were so small.  Innocent.  Pretty.  Soft.  I rubbed that soft goodness and thought, "some day.  some day.  God has a plan.  He always does."

And I don't know that plan, but I have hope in it.  I do have someone I can cry out to at night. or in the back of the store.  or in the maternity section because i like sale racks.  Because my God is BIGGER than any miscarriage.  or heartache I'm going to experience in this life time.  He can lift me higher.  He can deliver me from this pit.  He can, because my efforts are broken.  useless.

two babies with Him, and he let me have one.  Right now he continues to remind me to cherish these moments with her.  and without a prego belly this month, i need to press on.

3 comments:

  1. I've been there and I know from first hand experience (multiple times) that there are no words that make it hurt any less. Keep being real - especially these next few weeks. Grief is messy and uncomfortable (especially from the outside looking in) but so so necessary. Praying for your heart, Sweet Lady.

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    1. Well said, Meg. You can tell when someone understands grief and what it takes to heal, and you clearly do. Praying for both of you today.

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