Tuesday, October 22, 2013

October Madness

honestly, i dont know why i decided to post this.  which could be a bad thing.  because when i just randomly write my thoughts here, there's no purpose.  and i really like to post here when there is a good reason.  because really, who wants to read random ramblings from inside my brain?  oh, sorry honey.  you're the one who has to hear them.  ALWAYS.

but then...i guess this post is useful.  my hubby is not here, so here you go:

April was rough.  I was sicker than ever.  I was pregnant and nauseous.  May was hard because I miscarried my baby.  August was unhappily a repeat because I was sick with the next pregnancy, but trying to stay focused on a sweet baby I would meet in the spring.  a family we were making.  then September hit and we miscarried another baby.  this time i became even more of a wreck than i did before.  i missed my babies more each day and i tried to stay positive.

And then October hit.  My firstborn's first birthday was a blast.

and this Mommy stayed focused on celebrating her and her sweetness she brings to our lives.  because she truly helps me get out of bed every morning.  she is the reason i am able to eat. and smile. and sleep...i take that back.  (however she is starting to do better again.  thank you Jesus.)

once her birthday was over it was like my body went back into "survival mode" and i was just going through the motions.  i was angry.  ANGRY.  I was mad.  MAD.  anything would trigger it.  everything triggered it.  my daughter helped me smile.  if someone asked how i was doing i just smiled and said i was doing okay.  life is hard but im doing okay.  because it's true.  i'm not suicidal.  i'm still eating.  i'm still sleeping, decently.  i feel tired. i feel crawling into a hole a lot, but i'm okay.

words have their deepest, hardest, meanest meanings when you are already struggling.  little things triggered issues that made me weep.  lots of weeping.  for days.  i would cry in the bath tub. (i bathe during Ellie's good naps.)  i would cry in bed.  i would cry in the car.  i would tear up watching a mom on TV.  i would smile at a mom with two kids.  i would tear up looking at a mom with a young toddler and newborn.  i would pray for them...and keep moving.  i would cry in public bathroom stalls.

i was tired.  i was sad.  i missed my family.
you see, through this tough month of awful feelings.....awful thoughts, tough situations....people were asking me how life was, how's the new house coming along, and so on.  however i don't know the answer to any of that.  i missed my family.  my hubby i only saw on tuesday evenings, wednesday mornings, and friday nights and the weekend.  too much separation for this girl.  (doesn't help my love language is touch and time.) grr...ness to the GRR!

just last week hubby and i had communication issues come up.  we're not together every day where we can keep up on it and not let it get to the point where words start sounding off.  i always know the "mood" my hubby is in for when he talks to me, but i cant tell if i can't see the look on his face!  i miss this good communication we always have had in the past.  he is living in Ames too much during the week and it causes some "stuff" to come up that is not needed or necessary.  if only we could be together again, like before.  it would save a lot of issues.  on top of all the other emotions that have been going on in my head and heart...it was a little overwhelming to deal with it all.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1

hubby and i had a nice weekend this past weekend with family but we also made sure we had "us" time as a family.  we got our communication back on track.  we hugged.  we laughed.  we watched our daughter play.  i watched my daughter's love for her Daddy.

then monday morning i woke up to hearing my hubby say he wanted to come home to see me one extra day this week rather than staying in Ames at the house.  i was pleased.  i was thankful.  he knew it would mean a lot.  he knew it was worth it to make the drive.  it's good for our family.  it's good for us.

because when God called us to become one flesh He meant it.  we don't take it lightly.  we never fall asleep without considering the other's thoughts, feelings, and concerns.

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  Ephesians 4:2-3

and that's why i'm so delighted to have my hubby willing to be with me.  i'm looking forward to our family spending more time together.  his sweet voice, his sweet arms surrounding me, and his good night kiss.

dear hubby, 
i'm so thankful for you.  thanks for helping the rest of this month go more smoothly.  you always seem to know what i need.  what my heart desires.  
love you,

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