Every Voice Matters

 

I was raised in a household where my voice wasn't heard.  My opinions didn't matter, and my questions were not respected.  The space around me was filled with chaos and noise that didn't make sense to me.  I was surrounded by dictatorship in my own home.  I had dominate people directing me and pushing me to do what they wanted me to do.  Meanwhile a few of us sitting back in agony and confusion of why this was able to occur.  This led to my silence, social anxiety, and self doubt.  The voice inside my head never stops.  It takes on overwhelming pressure to make decisions.  It's confusing when I make a boundary.  Growing up the boundaries were constantly broken, and yet I had no clue what was happening.  Especially because of the fact I didn't know boundaries existed.  The voice inside my head wanted to scream and run and yet I had nothing to say that would make them listen.

The lack of confidence in every thing I do is portrayed by my ability to fill my living spaces with to do lists and post it notes to keep my mind focused.  A day does not go by without wondering what I have done wrong or how I can do something different or even better.  It leads me to want to hide more into my own quiet spaces to gain a new perspective before I conquer anything else.  My drive for perfection comes across as energy and focus but in reality it is hiding my true anxiety and depressing thoughts. 

 

If you were raised to believe your thoughts were useless and didn't matter would you speak up?  How would you speak up?  If the impact people made in your life as a child was "you are worthless" or "you don't measure up in comparison" how would you go about your life as an adult?  As a child and young adult you gave so much of your time and energy to better other people and in return you were judged and left alone...what would you think?  How would you handle boundaries and communication?  Well, that was my prior life in a nutshell.  A very small glimpse of it.  As an adult I have spent time learning more about myself, my personality, and what it means for me moving forward.  It has given me opportunities to learn how to speak up and when.  In the meantime, still learning how to address it.  After years of being shut down and disrespected, it's all I can do not to stay calm in my responses.  I was raised given these terms like "easy going" and "goes with the flow" and "shy" (the worst one).  Because that's how people wanted to assume I was, and it  was easier to just form into who they wanted me to be as long as they didn't care to listen to a word or thought I had.

I lacked tact.  I learned agreeing with people was easier, less offensive, and exorbitant then sharing my true thoughts and opinions.  My confident level shut down so low I didn't try to succeed in anything that was academically challenging.  Which led to a lot of uncomfortable situations regarding my grades and testing.  I struggled with anything that wasn't common sense learning.  Book smart was just not my strength, and still isn't.  But hand me 20 five-year olds for three hours and I had energy like a saint.  Growing up my strengths were not focused on.  What I brought to the table wasn't deep conversations about politics, lengthy conversations about current events, or the globe.  But I could tell you how to deep clean a closet, how to have healthy empathetic conversations with people, and what it means to be a true friend.  I can remember if you had your kid in my class where I was their teacher and what their personality was like and what I could see them being when they grew up.  I can recall what they struggled with and what they learned while I had them in my class.  But don't ask me what happened in the world in some random period of time in history.  I won't remember.  I do remember feeling like I was stupid.  I remember constantly being tested on my ability to do anything related to being book smart.  My memory was holding onto specific situations in life instead of what I read in my text book leading up to an important test.  My brain struggled with facts I needed to remember, but it leaned on situations I had lived.  So instead of remembering specific information to get a good grade, I remember the way I felt when I found out my grade and the repercussions of it.  The feeling of being stupid would stick with me for years.  Even to this day, I still struggle with feeling like I don't measure up.  People would prefer to not be friends with me, or that I just take up space.  As if my being isn't welcome there.

 

 I told my husband recently about this (it's an ongoing conversation that he respectfully listens and helps me through): My recent weeks of dealing with TMJ healing has led me to wear appliances that impact my ability to speak clearly.  I told my husband that I emphasize for people who struggle speaking due to reasons they can not help or change.  Sometimes I can tell how obvious I sound to people that I have something going on and my voice does not sound clear and I have a lisp.  It leads me back to those insecurity feelings of being stupid or "less than" in a space I am dwelling in.  I find myself wanting to speak up right away about what is going on to help prove to them and myself that it is not under my control that I have this current situation making me sound "like this."  Then maybe we can both move forward as if nothing has changed.  But in the meantime I wonder if I'm doing that to make sure they don't think of me as dumb but also I don't feel like they think I am.  However I might still leave the conversation wondering for a long time if they do anyways.

The life I lived growing up would be hard to repeat without knowing what I know now.  The strength I have now to leave uncomfortable conversations, or just being able to say no and being confident in that is truly life changing for my mental health and overall confidence.  I don't share my vulnerable past for judgement.  I open up about it because a day like today matters for people like me.  When we are use to having louder voices speak over us (or on our behalf), this day can truly give us the boost we need to keep striving for more.  It can lead to peaceful strength and dignity.  Having the power to VOTE and make our voice heard is a privilege. I certainly can experience that when I remember where I once was with my ability to share my thoughts, questions, and opinions.  I can now go prepared with knowing where I stand, what I believe, what I want to change and know I made a difference with my voice and my choice.  My voice matters, especially today, and I finally have an opportunity to make it worth something more than it ever could when I was a child.  I will never take a day like today for granted ever again.  Because when I was of the right age to be able to vote I did use to take it for granted.  And now the power I feel is so much better and stronger.  I feel more confident and powerful.  I get to stand up for the rights that are important to me and come prepared to help push the people forward to help make that happen.  Allow the people whos strengths ARE politics and leadership to hopefully win the election.  

Use your voice today and vote.*

*I was going to go vote before picking my kids up from school, but instead I decided to write my thoughts that came to mind before going.  I plan to vote soon.

+Note: When I say privilege I am speaking of  my own personal experience and no one else.  I know I have more privilege than others regarding freedoms and decision making.