Thursday, June 6, 2013

Hunger is Hungry

I've always dealt with my weight.  I was never a good weight, until I got married.  I was always too thin.  I would eat constantly to fill the void of people telling me I was not even 100 pounds (even though I was).  Sunday mornings I could eat three donuts with no problem (even after eating a breakfast at home prior to church).  I'm constantly snacking.  I love anything salty, anything sweet.  Anything chocolate.  Give my a box of cookies, I'll finish them off for you.

oh sorry Liz, best pic I had on file from when I was young

When I got married I was a healthy weight.  I felt good about myself.  I was no longer told I was too skinny.  I was no longer joked about as the one that was a "size zero, and you disappeared!"  I was happy.  Eating like a normal person.

wedding day June 12, 2010

December 2010

Then I got pregnant.  And you other Momma's out there know exactly what I'm talking about.  Well, some of you.  I lost ten pounds during first trimester, and then gained 50 pounds.  I grew all around, not just a basketball belly.  I had extra chins and necks.  I had extra butts and thighs.

9 months

prego face for hubby's bday

After Ellie was born, I got love handles where I didn't know I could have them.  I got thighs that don't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans (STILL!).  My swollen ankles never went fully back to normal.  Or my belly, but that's a given.  It was getting better.

But then I got pregnant again.  And went to survival mode and went BACK to my weight that I was when I got married.  But this time I wasn't okay with it.  I was hardly keeping anything down and feeding two babies since I was nursing Ellie.  My tummy was so tiny.  Who knows what jeans fit at that time I only wore baggy sweats for comfort!?!  April was seriously the month of the stomach flu sickness.  

Then I started feeling better (but didn't know I had lost the baby at that time) and got my appetite back.  I ate as often as I felt hungry.  I was feeding for three (or so I thought) so of course I just kept eating.  I was enjoying feeling better again.  I wasn't eating a bunch of junk.  I was eating food that would be healthy for the babies.  Home made french fries (not potato chips), raw veggies, spinach, fruit, etc.  I seriously was excited to be happily eating again.

Then I found out I miscarried.  And I threw it out the window.  I was back to feeding Ellie and myself.  But I was dealing with the emotions and physical stuff of a miscarriage.  Once I started to feel better and Taylor's "birth" was for the most part (lack of better word) complete, I ate whatever was available and sounded good.  I was allowing Taco John's, chocolate, ice cream, cherry coke, fast food on hectic nights, etc.  I was eating whatever sounded good.  I ate the things I tried to stay away from while pregnant.  It was my way of saying and the physical statement of, "I am moving on."  It was part of the grieving process and that's what I've been telling myself.  Well, it is true.

May 30, 2013

I weigh more than I did about 2+ years ago.  Yes, I have given birth to a baby and had a miscarriage.  But this is the time for me to start a life change.  Before I get pregnant again!  Jon and I are starting to take more walks.  I'm starting to try to watch what I eat.  I'm not going completely away from sugar and treats.  Because I know it will only make me go back to my old ways!  It's not a matter of the "perfect weight" or "perfect size."  It's a matter of that time where I feel good about myself.  Back in 2010 a certain weight felt great, but when I was pregnant with Taylor (April 2013) it felt terrible.  It's all a matter of the timing.

I'm hoping this summer the weather can stay nice and Jon and I can get more active.  I'm at my best when I'm able to "do" along someone else.  So walks with Jon are perfect!  It also helps that we love our stroller and love having Ellie along with us!

So this week I've been struggling with feeling hungry ALL the time!  But these past couple weeks it made sense since I became anemic, but I'm starting to feel better so I need to figure out what to change.  It's been a LONG time since I haven't been pregnant or more on top of eating constantly (early months of nursing where you MUST eat), so it's hard for my body to bounce back to "normal eating".  

If you have advice let me know.

Any thoughts I'd love to hear them.

Questions?  Feel free to ask.  I'm an open book.  Sometimes people tell me I'm too open. :)

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