Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Passion Dream

Had a dream this morning about something that brought up a subject that seven years ago affected me more than I could handle alone.  I took a big leap of faith and got my answer and cried out to God constantly, "WHY?"  This time of year it always reminds me.

Waking up after having a dream, can sometimes change the rest of your day.  Yesterday my dream made me fearful and I had to remind myself it wasn't real and God would protect me.

But today's dream.....

It doesn't help that I'm searching for an active thing I can do while living in Ames.  Lately the thought has been: dance.  Of course!  I want to find a place near here that I can express myself through dance again.  I want to get better at it, and I haven't taken dance lessons for years.  I love given the chance to express myself through dance.  It's a wonderful way for me to worship my God.

Another part of dance that I love is what I had a dream about.  What happens this time of year that sparked my dream?

Show choir.

I don't miss everything about it.  I just miss the part where I was able to do something that I absolutely loved to do!  It was a wonderful experience, but God had something else in store for me.  When I became homeschooled God really tugged on my heart and wanted me to end show choir.  I wasn't ready to hear that, so I told him, "If I don't make the varsity group as a junior in high school then I'll be all done."

After hours of practice, too many seniors trying out with little spots available...I didn't make the cut.

I will never forget the moment looking on the list of names and searching for minutes looking for my name.  Surely I'm on a list SOMEWHERE.  However, unfortunately since I only tried out for the varsity group they didn't put me in any other group.

I felt like I failed my family, my grandmother who was counting on me, and myself.

I felt hopelessly alone.

Little did I know that God was drawing me closer to Himself.

I remember when school started back up again and I knew they were starting to work on show choir things.  I was depressed for sure.  I was moping around like I had no purpose.  Why did God allow that to happen?  Why was He doing this to me?  Doesn't He know me at all?

He did.  He does.  He knew what I needed.

After months of things leading up to crying, times where I would let it out in the shower (where I thought no one could hear me), and moments where I just didn't want to go anywhere....somehow I found the time to work on my homeschool assignments.  (Even now thinking back to those times will bring up that depressing thought and sometimes my eyes water up.)

As time went on I found it easier to go day by day and my alone time with God was improving.  I was learning so much more about Him, because while being homeschooled I was able to make it part of my routine.  I would spend almost two hours with God every day.  I looked forward to it!

My senior year came and it was nearing springtime.  Time to go see show choir right?  Yes.  I wanted to see people and support them.  I couldn't find anyone to go with, so I went alone.  Bad idea.  I watched it and felt fine the whole time.  I had memories come in to mind that were not good ones (the hardest parts for me personally about show choir), and it helped me get through the performance.  Afterwards I went up and visited with a few people.  On the way home I bawled my eyes out and had to slow down because I couldn't see the road anymore.  I was a mess.  Asking God the same questions over and over again.

Why were my sisters a part of it and not me?  What did I not have that they did?

Soon I got my answer.  Somehow the topic got brought up and they told me what they thought.
"Mary, when you were going to try out that last time we both wanted to tell you not to do it.  This was your chance to just end it.  Show choir is such a secular thing and it can really take over a lot of things in your mind, but we knew you liked it so much and we wanted it to be your decision."

Wait a minute.  I thought they loved it SO MUCH!  It was a great eye opener for me for someone who seems to always find herself in her sister's footsteps just a few years behind.  But they were wanting to encourage me so badly not to be a part of what they were a part of.  Right then I started to see changes happening.  It was such a blessing to know that now I could start finding ways to use what I am passionate about and to use it.  I was nearing the end of teenager years and ready to explore all the possibilities.

God had some amazing things in store for me......

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