The Unexpected Kind of Parenting

Before you become a parent you have visions and dreams of what you want to be as a parent, what you will do with your kids to make special moments memorable, and lots of other things. Or maybe that's just me.  When I was three, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom (SAHM), so I guess I had plenty of years to vision my life.

Now I'm here, been a mom for about six years (I include pregnancy because once you lose babies, you realize you're a mom as soon as you see a positive.). I visioned 2-4 kids (I know, I always debated the amount, I wanted to wait until I found out gender order and decide before I got pregnant with each one. As you can see I had lots of planning into this.)

October 4, 2012 we welcomed our firstborn Ellie. I loved being a new mom. It took some time to recover from giving birth (search my blog for all those posts).



And before she turned one we got pregnant, miscarried, bought a house, got pregnant, and miscarried again.  2013 was a blur...I remember particular specifics (like laboring at home and still a D&C awake in the office). Thankful back then I blogged to remember things. Like today, November 21st. Today our second baby's due date. He/she would be turning 4. I can't imagine having a 5&4 year old, and not sure if we would of had anymore.

See, that's the thing. 2013 brought me to the realization my plans changed. I'm done at two kids. But I had four pregnancies. When people ask me how many kids I have, I reply "two." In the back of my mind I always want to say "two, but four pregnancies." However, I don't think the grocery clerk needs to hear every detail in my life in the few minutes they see me.

When life throws curve balls at us it's really easy to give up and hide. Or maybe that's just me? #introvertproblems
It was so easy to tell myself I'm done. No more. Ellie is going to be our only child. I can't go through another pregnancy, extreme sickness, and end in another loss.

But then Ellie showed her personality beyond cute facial expressions and good nap taker.  We were Raising a Spirited Child.  We promised to give my body a full year to recover. Then I ran errands and walked by onesies and didn't think uncomfortable thoughts or night time morning sickness and labor pains. I didn't hear a newborn cry and think of the babies I lost, I started picturing the next baby we COULD have.

I gifted a pregnancy test to Jon, showing him I was ready to try again. Nine months later, meet Jayden. 😄 His sickness was by the far the most intense right away. ER at 6 weeks for dehydration and having lost 25 pounds.  But all that time I spent focused on making sure I was 100% ready, helped me get through it. Plus my mom reminding me we were done after this pregnancy so I would never have to do this day of a pregnancy again.

Jon and I constantly ponder (more like I ponder and discuss out loud with Jon), what life would be like if we had not lost one of those pregnancies? What gender? The different age gap between kids? How would that of changed our processing of Ellie? Or how many kids would we have had? Would we of ever had Jayden? Would Ellie still be a good older sister like she is to Jayden, or would the smaller age gap cause problems to help her work through expressing herself? (I love our kid's age gap at 3.5 years. Ellie is really understanding of Jayden's toddlerisms.)



I never pictured losing babies. I don't think any mom does. But it has made me stronger, more grateful, more present, and more understanding. My visions and dreams of parenting changed greatly. But in the end I'm so thankful for what God crafted instead. Yes, I'm not always loving the fact it took loss to get here. However, I know what comes out of heartache. So many blessings. Countless blessings.

Happy birthday, Taylor. I continue to dream about who you are and what you would bring to our family. 💗💗

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