Wednesday, March 19, 2014

September Grieving

Remember back in September when I shared with people I was expecting again?  After losing Taylor, I felt I was given a second chance.  This time was different.  When I had a day where I started to not feel "as sick" I thought positively because I had "mom-instinct."  Because how could you lose two babies in one year?  Why would I have to miscarry again?  I lost one baby a couple months ago, no way was I going through all this sickness again for nothing.....

But it wasn't nothing.

After Labor Day weekend of a lot of activity I was sensing something was wrong.  I had to deal with the fact....there WAS something wrong.  AGAIN.  I had to be off the couch all weekend and walking around a lot and I wasn't nearly as sick as I should be.  I tried to remind myself "it's a different pregnancy" and "God is blessing you with a break from as intense sickness because of all the stuff going on."   For some people, that busy weekend would just cause a pregnant woman tired or maybe a little nauseous.  But I should have felt near death.  And I didn't.  I had moments of nausea but nothing near what I was with Ellie's pregnancy.

I had that third pregnancy because there was a baby.  On September 10th Jon and I had an ultrasound appointment to check on our baby.  I should have been 12 weeks along.  Instead the nurse said I had a baby measuring 8 weeks 4 days along and no heartbeat.

But there was a baby.

This time there was a baby to see in the little sac.  A baby who had fingers and toes.  A baby who had a little body.  Some day I was hoping to see the smile.  His/her first steps and first words.  Waiting anxiously to see sibling bond.  But the closest bond I had with Alex was seeing him/her on the ultrasound that day.  I never got to see my baby in person.  I remember seeing Jon hunched over keeping his thoughts inside to allow me to comprehend everything.  Once it was just us we talked about it.  Jon mentioned how he was surprised to see a baby (we lost Taylor before we ever got to see a baby on the ultrasound).  I was just stunned.

Why didn't my mom instincts know we were loosing the baby?

The only answer I can give myself is timing is everything.  How would things turn out differently had I gone in early?  Would I have heard a heartbeat?  Would I have found out we lost the baby sooner and then had to deal with weeks of just waiting.  Would I question what step to take next?  Did I go in at that exact moment because if I went in any sooner the outcome would have been harder or longer?  Did I do everything in my power to help my baby live?  Did I do everything in my human ability to keep holding on?  Did I try to think realistically or did I give up?

The more I questioned every thought the more upset and confused I became.

Jon continued to calm me and say, "There's nothing you could have done to save your baby.  Something just didn't go right.  Your body needed more time."

I believed him.  I had to let go.  My grieving wasn't over--far from it--but I knew I had to let go of blaming myself.  If I held on to the thoughts of negativity about myself as a Mom I wasn't able to fully be a mom to the daughter I already had.  No child could take the place of the two babies I just lost.  But I couldn't blame myself for something I had no control over.  My life wasn't over, nor was my babies.  I just would meet them at a different time then most mothers get to.  I was in the "miscarried club."  A club I knew many moms were already a part of.  One I never thought I would be.

Grieving came in waves after that process.  But it was worth it to have that ultrasound.  I got to "meet" my baby.  My hubby had a chance to see our baby as well.  It was the closest to physical meeting as we were going to get.

Days later he showed me how much he was willing to support me as the Dad.  He helped me during the labor.  He supported me in my decisions on what to do when the labor didn't complete itself.  I had support from him.

Then today.  Today I get the wave....39 weeks along I would have been.  I would be sitting on the couch, not able to see my swollen feet, but anxiously waiting to meet our baby.  I picture Ellie pointing to my big belly saying, "Baby!"  I wonder what life would be like.  It would be hard, but it would be precious.  I wonder if it would have been a boy or girl.  I silently tell myself I'm glad I never knew.  It would make it That. Much. Harder.

Because for now I just think of our baby Alex.  I think of sweet newborn smells.  Newborn cuddles.  I miss that.  But I miss our babies even more.

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