Blessed in Brokenness

My favorite things to do during a typical day: sleep in as late as I can (which ends up being around 8 or so), spending time with Ellie, eating (whether it's healthy or not), having the option to be outside, night owl goodness, and.....

The things I wish I got the ability to have happen in a week but rarely does: time with my little family each day, time with other Mom's during the day, the option of getting out of the house during my daughter's nap time, and having solid friends/people to hang out with and live life alongside.


Is it bad to want the ability to have those things happen?

Is it selfish to want more in life than the typical get up, meals, playtime, and daily household "duties"?

Is it wrong to want to be fed wisdom from others, having people around me, and of course I would give back to them with all the energy I've got.

But as I sit here during my daughter's nap time coping a terrible headache I cringe.  The weather is nice and all I want to do is be outside with her enjoying it together.  But I can hardly move without pain.  As I continue to think about it though, I wonder if I got myself moving would that help at all?  Would it help wake up my body and FORCE myself to feel better about my day?  Would it get my focus off the pain and refocus my heart and head on the blessings this day has to offer?  I'm not "sick" in the way that I'm incapable of dealing with it.  It could be worse.  I could have the flu, a fever, or sinus infection.  But I don't.

The more I consider my heart the more I want to change it.

My loving Father wants me to embrace Him.  He's missing me.  I hate to admit it, but He hasn't had much time with me lately.  I don't know why.  I think I've been pushing Him away.  Not intentionally.  I think I've been putting all my hope in Him, but not my time.  It's easy to do in a life I'm living.  Right now it's all I can do to spend quality time with my husband!  My focus has been keeping my family together and getting things back to "normal" as much as possible.

I know my God is faithful, I've seen Him work in the past.  I know He takes me as I am.  And that's what Easter is all about.  It was refreshing to have that reminder last week.  Jesus was risen to save even the biggest liar.  He came not just for the lost but for the broken as well.  God did break me this last year.  Because before I lost control of everything, I had my faith in God "figured out" (as you could call it).  Then my world was flipped and I had to rely on His faithfulness and reassurance.  I was looking at the Cross and thinking "Why, why me?"  Why was God willing to allow that to happen?  Just to save me (and you of course).  What did I ever do?  What have I ever done?

Nothing.

I would do anything to have my babies.  I would never be able to have someone do what they did to Jesus to any of my babies.  Why God?  Why me?  Why did you allow that to save me?  


I was broken.  I felt humbled and confused.  And that's why I long to embrace today.  I want to come to Him on my knees in thankfulness.  And hear him say, "My dear daughter, I have missed you, but I was always here."  And that's what breaks me.  He's there every day, every hour, every second just waiting.  But no matter what He embraces me whenever I come to Him.  No judgement.  No obligations.  He accepts my brokenness and uses it.  I'm broken and blessed.

Because how will I be able to bless others in my day-to-day when I'm empty of God's love?  I need to fill my cup so it can be poured out to others.  How can I put my energy into others if I'm not filled myself?

Psalm 34 is encouraging...

I will extol the Lord at all times;
    his praise will always be on my lips.
2 I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
3 Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
    their faces are never covered with shame.
6 This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
    he saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
    and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the Lord is good;
    blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
9 Fear the Lord, you his holy people,    for those who fear him lack nothing.
10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
    but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
11 Come, my children, listen to me;
    I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
12 Whoever of you loves life
    and desires to see many good days,
13 keep your tongue from evil
    and your lips from telling lies.
14 Turn from evil and do good;
    seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
    and his ears are attentive to their cry;
16 but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
    to blot out their name from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
    he delivers them from all their troubles.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;
20 he protects all his bones,
    not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
    the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
22 The Lord will rescue his servants;
    no one who takes refuge in him will be condemned.